12-Step Program for People Who Make Eye Contact and Immediately Regret It
Step 1:
Admit that you have a devastating inner monologue.
(It’s not a flaw—it’s just… very active.)
Step 2:
Overanalyze every social interaction until it becomes performance art.
Even the cashier saying “Have a good one” becomes a 10-minute internal debate: Did they mean “day” or “life”?
Step 3:
Repeat Step 2—but in the shower, at 11 p.m., while blinking into the void.
Step 4:
Pause for a brief existential spiral.
Then Google “How to be chill without becoming emotionally unavailable.”
Step 5:
Learn that breathing is a thing you’ve been doing wrong this whole time.
Try box breathing. Forget the box. Panic briefly.
Step 6:
Attempt meditation.
Get personally offended by your own thoughts.
Step 7:
Try to be more “present.”
Realize that presence is full of weird sounds, creaky joints, and the persistent feeling that crows are watching you.
Step 8:
Laugh at your own absurdity.
This step is crucial.
It interrupts the spiral with something softer.
Step 9:
Name your anxiety like a weird pet.
“Thanks for the input, Captain Catastrophe, but I’m just ordering coffee.”
Step 10:
Turn down the volume on your inner critic.
Not with force—just with kindness.
Picture them holding a kazoo. It helps.
Step 11:
Find one small ritual that soothes your mind.
Tea. Stretching. Looking at clouds until they look back.
Step 12:
Know this:
You are not broken.
You are a sensitive antenna in a world full of noise.
You are not alone.
You’re just tuned in a little too well.
Final Thoughts:
Overthinking is not a character flaw.
It’s a survival skill turned up too high.
You don’t need to silence your thoughts—just hold them with more compassion.
